K is my first-born. He is the one who made me a mom… The boy he completely stole my heart, just don’t tell his daddy that. He is 8 and he is two handfuls. He has ADHD, dyslexia, and anxiety, and when you roll that into a ball with general 8-year-old attitude and the stubbornness of both his daddy and me, you get kid who wants to do what HE wants to do, WHEN he wants to do it, and he wants to do it HIS way.
Times are tough in the Murray household, and they have been for the past year. Around October of last year we started working with different meds to treat first his anxiety and then his ADHD until we got to a point that I didn’t even know who he was anymore. The meds changed him in a way that I don’t ever want to see again. Around January or February we took him off everything and he’s been off ever since. He did really well over the summer, but now that school has started back we will see how well he can do without them. I have never been a fan of putting kids on meds and always said I would never be “that mom” who “drugged her kid” but that was before I was actually in that situation. Never say never. As a parent you will do whatever it takes to help your children be the best they can be, and when they have debilitating anxiety and can’t focus or concentrate in school, then you need to figure out what works.
I had my first TST meeting at the school this week where I meet with the assistant principal, K’s teacher, the dyslexia coordinator, and usually the counselor, although she wasn’t there this time. We go over his action plan and see what adjustments need to be made. His teacher has only been around him for 7 days and already was talking about how he cannot focus and doesn’t pay attention and how she constantly has to snap him back to reality. That kills me. I don’t what to put him back on anything, but what else can I do? I can’t go to school with him and make him stay focused. Hell, I can’t make him stay focused during homework and I am sitting right beside him. I am going to see how the rest of this first nine weeks goes then I will reevaluate and possibly look into trying a different medication. I know not all meds are bad and some can really help, I just don’t want him to be a guinea pig while we play trial and error and find what works.
Being a parent often means you have to be the bad guy and you have to make tough decisions. Being a parent sometimes means that you won’t like your kids very much and you will feel horrible about that. But IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to say you need a break. It’s okay to be the bad guy if that means you’re doing the right thing. It’s okay to not like your kids as long as you still love them. I love my kids with every fiber of my being, but sometimes I just want to quit and I really need a break. But you know what, IT’S OKAY. That doesn’t make me a bad mom, that just makes me human and I need to step back and quit being so damn hard on myself all the time. There will always be tough times, so I need to learn to just embrace them and let them happen. Learn from them and move on so that next time it won’t be so hard.